I don’t want this to be a sad post. Because I’ve done plenty of “feeling sorry for myself” posts over the last few months, following my terrible breakup. And I remember having this profound phone call with my bestie several months after it happened.
With such heartfelt conviction, I told him, “I refuse to be single and miserable again.”
However, after seven months of finding my way as a single, childless woman of forty-two, I admit that I still seem to start to lose hope at times.
I can recall my mother when I was age seven. She was sitting on the toilet, talking to me about who knows what? And I remember asking her how old she was. Her response, with a tone of horrified embarrassment was, “forty…five.” For her, I think she just hated that she was so “old” in her mind. I remember her northern New Jersey accent coming through just slightly on the “for” sound. And at the time, I don’t know if I could really comprehend her actual age. Instead, I just remember that I loved that we were talking.
And now, I think about how I am just several years younger than she was at that time. And how I haven’t been married and divorced twice like she was. And how I don’t have three beautiful daughters like she did—not that my alcoholic mother was a prime example of nailing it in life. However, it’s difficult not to compare myself to her.
EVEN THOUGH I’M 42, SINGLE, AND CHILDLESS, I STILL GOT STUFF
I’ve been studying tarot in a more serious way since my breakup, and it’s such a fascinating art. And of course, I do lots and lots of readings for myself regarding my love life. Because ever since I was a little girl, I have wanted to find a love partner. It all started with Robby Large in kindergarten. The obsession and the longing, I mean. And from there, I’ve evolved over the years in so many profound and spectacular ways. And yet, here I am again. Longing, and waiting, and hoping for love to come my way.
And I’ve been finding great comfort when I pull the Wheel of Fortune in the reversed position. Which I have been pulling a lot lately, actually.
Because what this card basically says is:
“Libby, we see you, and we can see your life is hard right now. We know that your circumstances are not favorable at this time. We know this kind of blows. But dearest Libby, the wheel always comes around again. Soon, things will be better. This is the cycle of life, the cycle of love, the cycle of growth, and the cycle of rebirth. So, stay strong, goddess. You totally, and completely, and utterly got this.”
-The Wheel of Fortune, reversed
ACCEPTING LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS
I think what I always struggle with is accepting my life the way it actually is, compared to the way I want it to be. I’m forty-two, and I sometimes still can’t believe that this is my life. That he left me. That I’ve never encountered a man who loved me enough to want to marry me. And that I’m a super nurturing, loving, kick-ass goddess who would make a great mother, but who has no children. It’s just so bizarre to accept at times. Yet, I don’t live in a delusion about it. I actually find comfort in facing my reality head on. However, I also don’t ever want to allow myself to sink into an abyss of despair.
Okay, yes…I get super depressed and bummed out sometimes, especially during the full moon, new moon, and my PMS days. However, I also know how to expertly dig myself out of any hole I’ve sunken into, and my best friend and I agree that I have the whole resilience thing on lockdown.
RESILIENCE IS BRILLIANCE
I’ve gone through some hard shit in my life. And I don’t pretend to be worse off than anyone else—not at all. I’m just saying, I’ve lived through a fair amount of darkness in my forty-two years of living. To sit across from me and talk to me, you wouldn’t know it, because I love talking to people, and I love life. Today, at forty-two, single, with no child, I recognize this doesn’t have to mean much of anything. This doesn’t have to mean I’m failing at life.
However, I also really don’t want to be be in denial about my feelings. Because I always hate when someone negates my circumstances by saying things like, you’re better off without a man, or you can be happy with or without someone. Yes, that’s true. But honestly, I want a love partner. I love myself enough to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve quite regularly, and say to the Universe, and my friends, and you: I want someone, and I’m sad that I don’t yet have someone.
The definition of resilience is this: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness; the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
I love this definition. It’s so inspiring to me. And it’s not saying that bad shit doesn’t happen to the rubber band that’s being put through the ringer. That rubber band is being stretched for sure. But it doesn’t break. No! It bounces back and keeps going. I’m forty-two and that’s all I can do.
THIS IS WHAT I DO TO STAY AFLOAT IN TIMES OF DIFFICULTY
1. I always surround myself around people with whom I can connect.
2. I spend regular time in nature, daily if possible.
3. I have trust in the goodness of the Universe and I try not to take my circumstances personally.
4. I fucking have fun. I sing and dance. I go get ice cream. I laugh a lot, and enjoy the pleasurable details in life.
5. I remind myself that the loss of my relationship was not a mistake, but instead, a gift.
6. I open myself to new things. Just because I’m forty-two doesn’t mean I’m done with adventures.
KEEPING IT REAL AND RAW
Here’s the thing. It’s not helpful for me to pretend I’m super happy even when I’m not. Nor is it helpful to stay in a place of pessimism and sorrow. It’s really not. I’m real. I’m raw, and I say what I think, because it makes me feel good when I’m honest. And it’s okay to admit life is hard at times. Yet, it’s also okay to be vulnerable and feel like life is fucking beautiful no matter what the hell is going on right now. You are gorgeous, and so am I. Life is here to be sipped and swallowed, devoured and digested. So, that’s what Imma do. Will you join me?
Thank you to my dearest blogging friend (and fellow ENFJ!!!), Kathy. I’m so honored to be asked to share my words on this beautiful platform, among so many goddesses. I look forward to hearing from you and making new friends in this community! xo
Featured photo by Trevin Rudy on Unsplash
Flowers by the sea photo by Raimond Klavins on Unsplash