I was listening to Oprah’s Soul Sunday podcast the other day and she had a conversation on aging well with Cybil Shephard. Oprah said that in all the years of talking to beautiful people, no one had admitted they were. They all downplayed it by saying things like “But my eyes are too close” or naming something else they didn’t like, until Cybil Shepherd was refreshing in her candor. She said she was the daughter of beautiful people, it was nothing she had earned, and her beauty had opened doors for her.
But then aging happened. And amidst the stories of finding out she wasn’t the person that turned heads anymore or fleeing the country for her fortieth birthday as if she could run from it, she said that at some point she realized she’d stopped looking in the mirror.
I can relate to that; there’s an art to looking in the mirror to see if I have food on my face without taking all of myself in. There’s an unfamiliarity of what I see when I do look in the mirror, as if the sag by my C-section scar and the cellulite on my arms don’t belong to the person I think of as me.
In the disconnect, I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to change my body, my mind, or my spirit to reconcile the disparity. Listening to that podcast, I finally had an a-ha moment—it doesn’t matter how many ab and arm workouts I do. Trying to match the image of my twenty-something self will always be a losing proposition. The only work that will be effective is updating how I see myself to be current. That doesn’t negate the need for me to work out to stay strong and healthy, but working out will never bring the self-acceptance that comes from making friends with who I am now.
Working out will never bring the self-acceptance that comes from making friends with who I am now.
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My brother started shaving his head fifteen or twenty years ago when he was losing his hair. I have become so used to how he looks now that when I see a picture of him in his youth with a full head of brown hair, I have to look twice to confirm it’s him. I love how he looks now, and I’ve updated my mental image of him so that it’s the up-to-date version I see. I need to do the same work for myself.
Cybil Shepherd provided a clue about how to update our mental image when talking about aging well. She said, “Pick one thing you can love about your body.” It resonated with me, especially because I’d heard both VJ and Claudette say similar things in their Navigating the Change essays.
One of the quips that makes me laugh is, “Age doesn’t always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.” It reminds me that what I like about getting older is that it brings perspective—perspective about what’s important and how to prioritize what’s important and what makes me happy. That is to say, I think that age in my case has come with some wisdom and it shows in the crinkles of my eyes.
So I’m loving my eye crinkles. They denote fifty-three years of laughing and loving life so much that I’ve etched it into my face. And once I see that, I see my C-section scar as the giver of life and my arm cellulite as the repository of great meals with friends. I wouldn’t trade any of those things for anything.
Write for Navigating the Change.
I love this and I agree with you, until I look in the mirror. 🙄
Like you say, there’s an art to looking in the mirror; I’ve written about this, about practicing self-acceptance and all that (sometimes by taking selfies) but really, it’s a mind-set.
There is a shift in the midlife collective that comes through on social media, but it depends on who you follow. There remains plenty of “fake” and vanity, but the real, authentic age-ing is carving out a spot for itself.
I’ve stopped being vague about my age because, like you say, getting older brings perspective.
I for one have zero interest in returning to my youth. (Shudder) 😉
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Had to get my reading glasses on before replying to this delightful comment. 🙂 I love your “shudder” at the end, Claudette! And that real authentic age-ing is carving out a spot for itself.
You have written beautifully about the art of looking in the mirror and changing the mind set. I’m beautifully inspired by you!
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I was very challenged by this whole concept of loving and accepting myself for who I am now, at 60. I spent most of my life disliking myself, and laugh at the meme circulating on Facebook “I’d like to be the weight I was when I thought I was fat.” I think we can add “when I thought I was ugly”, for that’s a real challenge!
In teaching myself to like myself, I admit that mirror sessions recommended by Louise Hay were challenging. I found it difficult to say “I like you”, and really mean it.
We don’t always realize our positive attributes until they’re gone, then we mourn them. Ironic isn’t it?
I now try to look tenderly at myself, to be gentle, and to be positive in my feelings towards myself. I try to celebrate who I am now that I’ve come through the storms. I try to celebrate being healthy and vibrant, thankful for the ability to still do a number of things that have been denied to many due to age relateed illnesses.
Yesterday I surprised myself when I said to myself that maybe it’s okay to not worry about gaining the 5 or ten pounds from enjoying food, instead of constantly limiting my portion sizes, especially desserts! (This is huge for a former Anorexic!)
LOL! Just realized I was to springboard off this post and create one of my own!
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Love this comment and all your wisdom, Tamara! Can’t wait for that post!! ❤️❤️❤️
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Beautiful post!!
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Thank you for your very kind words, LA!
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Love this Wynne! It is so hard sometimes to see the physical changes, but also so rewarding when you take the time to stop and realize what they all mean. I’ve always liked my eyes- the color and shape and symmetry. I am pleased with my slim ankles and toned calves- yay for walking! It’s even becoming easier to embrace my quickly changing gray hair. In a few months it will be almost 1 year since I’ve colored it. Thank you for the reminder to value, and accept ourselves as we are.
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I love this response, Deb! You are doing a great job of inspiring me to keep up the work to find things I love. And yes, yay walking! ❤️
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Great post. I love my strong and agile legs. I try to focus on my body’s capabilities more and more rather than appearance. By working out, I can still do so many things I enjoy, even if they’re very physical, even if I don’t look as cute in my hiking clothes as I would have at 30. I’m as lucky to have my health as the young are to have their beauty, but at least I have a bit of influence over my health and abilities.
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I love your emphasis on capabilities instead of appearance! That is such a great lead-in to being grateful! And yes, we are much wiser at knowing what we can and cannot control. Thank goodness for that! Thanks for the great comment, Fran!
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I like how you are nudging us to love this vessel that has brought us this far, Wynne, scars from living a life we love. As my friend likes to say, I’ve earned these gray hairs!
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Scars from living a life we love — beautiful and poetic, Rebecca!
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Bela Bartok, the Hungarian Composer, said he wished to leave life “with an empty trunk.” That is, he wished to use up all his strength and ideas and put them to work in his compositions before he died. Sounds like you’ve made a brave start on this path Wynne!
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What a great metaphor! Yes, no use holding anything back! Thanks for lovely and encouraging comment, Dr Stein!
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This is such an interesting topic Wynne, your words resonate deeply with me, as I too struggle with aspects of aging, and learning to adjust my expectations both physically and cognitively. I remember when my mom was sick and I had to keep reminding myself that she was the best she would be each day and as her health continued to decline I tried to appreciate the current moment and not to compare her to her healthy self or expect improvement. I apply the same thinking to the process of aging. Today, I am the best I’m going to be and I’m determined to see and appreciate the present, not longing for the past or worrying about the future. Hugs, C
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Cheryl – what a brilliant extension of the idea of extending this acceptance to the ones we love! Your mantra of “today, I am the best I’m going to be” is great!
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“Age doesn’t always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.” I love it! I like myself so much better now at 62 than I did 30 years ago. Would never, never, never want to go back. Smile lines? We can never have too many of those.😁💜
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You have the best smile lines, Natalie! Right we can’t go back and erase those without all the wonderful memories that gave us them! And thanks for showing us how to do this wonderful life of living out loud and liking ourselves!! ❤️❤️
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The greatest gift that I have received from advancing years is the inner peace that comes along with loving the inner self rather than focusing on the outer. Even while watching my physical self seem to fall apart and grow weaker, I embrace the truth that the inner self grows stronger, and THAT is truly worth celebrating. Onward and older, I say!
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Onward and older – I love it, Julia!! You shine so brightly – it must come from doing that work on your inner self. It’s beautiful- inside and out!! ❤️❤️❤️
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Well, Wynne—you know the old saying, “It takes one to know one.” Clearly, it is the light within yourself that is reflecting back to you. Thank you for letting your light shine for all to see! 💕🥰
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Wow, Julia — you are good!! ❤ ❤ ❤
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I love the idea of picking just ONE thing love about my body. This way of thinking certainly changes perspective. Because in so doing I suddenly see so MANY things to love. Another beautiful and inspiring essay, Wynne. Thank you!
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What a brilliant comment, Khaya! Yes, it changes the perspective – that’s so right on! Thanks for reading and commenting.
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Hi, Wynne! Thanks for this post. I read it yesterday and it’s been on my mind since. Why? I’ve been mulling over a piece I’m working on about generational issues with food (and body image) and your thoughts on the topic of aging – especially this comment: “Age doesn’t always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone” made me chuckle. Yep. Sometimes age arrives solo and it’s annoying! If it’s rolling in anyhow, I’d rather it see it arrive with a confidence boost (or two) about choices and challenges. Sigh. All of that to say…thank you for sharing! Appreciate your thoughts.
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I’m glad you liked the line – it was one of my dad’s favorites. Amen to seeing it arrive with confidence boosts – well said. Looking forward to your post!
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Wonderful article that lends itself to self-reflection and self-acceptance. Thank you!
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What a lovely comment. Thank you for reading and commenting, Felicia!
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What a really nice post. Way to see the “flaws” as positives you wouldn’t trade in. I was doing my Tae Kwon Do forms in a tank top and wondered what on earth was that stuff flopping under my arms?? Where did that come from?
My dad has said my eyes are my best feature. If that’s the case, I’m quite fortunate.
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Eyes – a wonderful feature. I imagine you have (maybe not yet because you are young) will have some great laugh lines to go along with them. Well-earned and precious!! Thanks for reading and commenting, Betsy!
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I loved this!! As I near my 30s, my body is changing more noticeably and I had needing to hear (read) this! Thank you 🙏
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Oh my goodness, how wonderful that you are so cutting edge to start the practice early on! I imagine that will serve you so well! Thanks for reading and commenting!
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